San Diego DUI attorney saw this on the Internet:

Objective-I am seeking a position with good-natured and essentially functional alcoholic. I would prefer a position of equals, but will accept sidekick role. Gender of buddy does not matter, but if female, buddy must accept half the responsibility for any unfortunate and nil-planned hook-ups. Occasional morning drinker a must.

Experience

January 2000-June 2001
Drinking Buddy
Ron Hibshoosh Trust Company
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included lamenting about women; whiskey-cokes; commiserating on state of folk music; discussing the books of Genesis and Job; suicide humor; Leonard Cohen; Jack and cokes; vomiting; smoking; light typing (college papers); white russians; and Tom Waits.

January 1999-June 2001
Drinking Buddy
The Adrianne Lona Fund
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included Pixies; drunk-driving; booze in any available form; depression; Silver Jews; and cooperative self-destruction.

April 2000-October 2000
Drinking Buddy/Baseball Guy
The Mark Paulik Foundation
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included Jason Kendall admiration; beer; fantasy baseball jargon including OPS and K/BB; whiskey on rocks; and light fistfighting.

December 1999-January 2000
Whipping Boy
Nicholas Gilewicz and Jeremy Lawrence Associated
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included quarrelsome chess; arguing T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land; boilermakers; dancing to Talking Heads, the Who, and Neil Young; 7&7's; abortive emotional connections with each other and outsiders; beer; and Bob Dylan.

October 1997-December 1998
Apprentice Alcoholic/Sidekick
Martin Golando Corporation
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included vodka; salting wounds; classical languages; condescension; beer; debating poetry; essential understanding of the meaning of art; kicking a man when he's down; and trying to become my father.

December 1997-September 1998
Social and Emotional Crutch
Sarah Mason Limited
Chicago, Illinois
Duties included listening to Pavement; sarcasm; Smirnoff straight, wince chaser; Sonic Youth; living in the past; storytelling; and envy.

October 1995-August 1997
Drinking Buddy
Rusty Sticha Emporium
Bainville, Montana
Duties included self-loathing; fearing the inevitable; Old Milwaukee; Keystone Light; drunk-driving; and a rudimentary understanding of Marx.


Education

DAD in Youth 1979-Present
Life Lesson--
"Son, life is a tough business sometimes. I'd quit now if I were you."

BA in Literature 2001
University of Chicago
Senior Project--
"Romanticizing Alcoholism: Living Out a Myth of Poetic Souls and Booze"

AA in Dreams 2000
38 Geary Hangover chapter
Essay--
"Correctly Analyzing Just How Easy Those Twelve Steps Are: I CAN Quit Anytime"

Diploma in 1997
Bainville High School
Senior Thesis--
"Life is Boring and Tedious after High School: The Making of An American Drunk"


Skills

Thinking self into a rut, dead languages, storytelling, quoting literature, telling you what's wrong with you, going to movies and shows while intoxicated, pipedreaming, telling you what's wrong with me, obsessing, not doing anything about it, doing and saying outrageous things to strangers, anger, getting out of there in the morning, buying a round, and sorrow.